15 Best Paulie Walnuts Quotes in ‘The Sopranos,’ Ranked

HBO’s The Sopranos is regarded as one of the greatest television dramas of all time and even decades after the shocking finale, the series remains at the top of viewers’ list of favorites. Throughout the show’s six-season run, The Sopranos won over twenty Emmy Awards, and today, it is remembered for its groundbreaking writing, and an overall phenomenal cast that portrayed some of the most unforgettable characters in television history. Out of the long list of iconic characters, one that stands out from the rest for several reasons is the classic wiseguy, Paulie ‘Walnuts” Gualtieri, who is played by Tony Sirico.

One reason why Paulie is such a memorable and authentic character is that Sirico, who, at one point, was an actual gangster, adds his personal experience to the role that no other character in the show possesses. Paulie quickly became a fan favorite, who was known for his lack of a filter and hysterical quotes such as “Word to the wise: remember Pearl Harbor,” and “Whattaya hear? Whattaya say?!” Out of all the characters’ exceptional moments and hilarious one-liners, these are the 15 best Paulie Walnuts quotes in The Sopranos, ranked!

15 “Horse and buggies don’t count.”

“Eloise” – Season 4, Episode 12

In Season 4, episode 12, “Eloise,” Paulie’s mother, Nucci (Frances Esemplare), is involved in a minor fender bender with Cookie (Anna Berger) and Minn (Fran Anthony) at a local grocery store. As Paulie arrives at the hospital, the doctor is speaking to Minn and Nucci about what happened and if Minn, who was the driver, should really still be driving. While the doctor has a gentle, considerate approach to asking Minn sensitive questions, Paulie, on the other hand, isn’t capable of showing such compassion.

From the moment fans met Minn Matrone, Paulie has almost constantly cracked jokes at her expense and busted balls and, even in a delicate situation, he has zero empathy for the woman. Since his mother was involved, this only makes Paulie more agitated by Minn’s passive-aggressive answers to the doctor’s question, so it’s no surprise that he hits back at her with a clever crack about her age. The one-liner is a classic snarky remark that would be expected from Paulie, making it one of the character’s quickest as well as one of the best.

14 “They ate pootsie before we gave them the gift of cuisine.”

“46 Long” – Season 1, Episode 2

When AJ’s (Robert Iler) science teacher has his car stolen, Tony has Paulie and Big Pussy (Vincent Pastore) go search for whoever stole it and try to get it back. Only armed with the clue that one of the guys works at a chain coffee shop, Paulie and Big Pussy go to each location trying to find which one the carjacker works at. While Big Pussy asks questions, Paulie becomes irritated at the fact that the coffee shops sell items and products that were originally from Italy and begins to feel he’s owed some kind of cut of the profits.

In Season 1, episode 2,”’46 Long,” Paulie’s obsession over believing that America has stolen from Italian culture is just pure comedy gold and one of the character’s funniest rants. As he stares at the wall of items with such an ominous, stern expression, it’s obvious that he takes this “issue” personally and can’t seem to let it go. His quote about taking credit for improving American cuisine is just the icing on the cake of Paulie’s over-dramatic complaining, but when he steals an espresso maker, slipping it under his coat, it just makes the entire scene one of Paulie’s all-time greatest.

13 “He jumped out of the tree and came at me with a chainsaw. I got a right to defend myself, Tone.”

“Where’s Johnny?” – Season 5, Episode 3

When Paulie and Feech La Manna (Robert Loggia) ignite a turf war over the territory of a neighborhood, they agree to sit down with Tony, who tries to get the two hard-headed mafiosos to come to some mutual agreement. As each of them tells Tony their side of the story, they, of course, embellish things a bit, but Paulie, always being one for the dramatics, goes to the absolute extremes by portraying his side as though his life was in danger.

Paulie has a bad habit of stretching or fabricating the truth to advance his position in a situation and in Season 5, episode 3, “Where’s Johnny?,” he tells Tony a flat-out lie that also paints a humorous image in fans’ minds. Fans know that Paulie is the one who got physical in the confrontation and, since no one there can say otherwise, he takes that as an opportunity to set up a different scenario that he hopes will sway Tony to side with him. The quote is almost something a little boy would claim to avoid getting in trouble, which is what makes this one of Paulie’s top-tier lines.

12 “Satanic black magic!”

“From Where to Eternity” – Season 2, Episode 9

When Christopher (Michael Imperioli) is recovering in the hospital, he goes into cardiac and respiratory arrest and is medically dead for a minute. The doctors are able to revive him, but when he tells Paulie and Tony that he was in hell and gives them a message from Mikey Palmice (Al Sapienza), Paulie can’t shake the feeling that Chrissy may be telling the truth. In an effort to get an answer, he decides to go see a medium, but he’s completely horrified when the medium mentions his first hit and the possibility that a bunch of dead people are following him around.

In season 2, episode 9, ‘From Where to Eternity,’ Paulie gut reaction to the medium is to go into a violent defense mode hoping it will disprove what the medium has told him. Between believing the medium isn’t fake and the others in the group becoming curious about Paulie, he resorts to calling the whole thing just a bunch of hocus-pocus, hoping it will defuse things. Paulie could have done so many different things in this situation, but his comment about it being a work of satanism is just ludicrous but also hysterical. His animated facial expressions and his over-the-top tone are other crucial elements that cement this as one of the character’s greatest one-liners.

11 “The boss of this family told you you’re gonna be Santa Claus. You’re Santa Claus. So shut the f**k up about it.”

“To Save Us All from Satan’s Power” – Season 3, Episode 10

Now that Big Pussy is gone, the guys realize that they need someone to dress up as Santa Claus for their annual holiday party. While Tony and the rest of the guys pass on the job, they decide to elect Bobby Bacala as their new Saint Nick, but Bacala tries to convince them that he’s not the right guy for the part. While the other guys kind of keep pushing him to do it, Paulie takes a more in-your-face approach.

In Season 3, episode 10, “To Save Us All from Satan’s Power,” Paulie has zero patience for Bacala’s whining and basically threatens him to wear the red suit or else. For most people, this is an unusual way to go about getting someone to agree to something, but for Paulie, it’s typical for him to choose potential violence over who will play the part of Father Christmas. Even though the confrontation goes against the whole purpose of the holiday season, fans aren’t too shocked by Paulie’s response considering, well, he is a gangster.

10 “Oof, Madone! He looks terrible!”

“Mayhem” – Season 6, Episode 3

After being shot by Uncle Junior (who is played by The Godfather: Part II star Dominic Chianese), Tony barely survives and is hooked up to a ventilator while fighting for his life. As the hospital begins to allow some non-family visitors, Paulie is escorted to Tony’s room by his daughter, Meadow (Jamie Lynn-Sigler), who tells Paulie how it’s important to avoid making negative comments and focus on discussing positive subjects. Paulie nods as though he understands, but as soon as he sees the critical state Tony is in, it’s apparent that he didn’t hear anything Meadow just said.

Considering the rather somber, depressing tone of Season 6, episode 3, “Mayhem,” Paulie’s straightforward comment about Tony’s condition is actually some of the best comic relief that many viewers needed at the time and also speaks volumes about Paulie’s true, blunt nature. Between Paulie’s on-par comedic timing and brutal honesty, this is easily one of the best (and funniest) Paulie quotes in The Sopranos.

9 “Next the blind will see, and the lame will walk.”

“To Save Us All From Satan’s Power” – Season 3, Episode 10

As the holidays approach, Tony, Silvio (Steven Van Zandt), and Paulie are all having dinner together when Paulie draws their attention to Artie’s (John Ventimiglia) wife, Charmaine (Kathrine Narducci), who is wearing a fitted, slightly revealing dress that complements her figure. While the guys stare with their jaws dropped, Paulie cracks a comment about Mainey’s new look with a bit of Christmas spirit.

When it comes to Mainey’s flattering wardrobe in Season 3, episode 10, “Save Us All From Satan’s Power,” Paulie can’t help himself and throws out one of his best quotes, which manages to get a few chuckles from Tony and Sil. Even though Mainey has always been easy on the eyes, Paulie hilariously dramatizes the moment as though her flattering attire is a miracle of the Christmas season, which, of course, is true to his wise-ass sense of humor.

8 “You didn’t go to hell, you went to purgatory, my friend.”

“From Where to Eternity” – Season 2, Episode 9

While Paulie is unable to get Christopher’s so-called visit to hell off his mind, he eventually becomes obsessed with finding a definitive answer that could explain everything. He decides to go back to the source and pays Chrissy a visit to the hospital by himself to ask him more questions about his experience. After Chrissy answers a few random questions, Paulie comes to the “logical” conclusion that Chrissy took a trip to purgatory, not hell.

Paulie’s rationalization about Chrissy’s near-death experience in Season 2, episode 9, “From Where to Eternity,” is one of the funniest scenes in The Sopranos, which reveals how paranoid Paulie can be. Instead of flat-out admitting his fear of going to hell, Paulie decides that he needs to convince Christopher that he wasn’t in hell and goes to absurd lengths such as asking if it was hot there or explaining how many years someone must serve in purgatory before crossing over, making this one of Paulie’s best quotes in the series.

7 “Your mother was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower.”

“46 Long” – Season 1, Episode 2

While the guys are hanging out at the Bing, Sivlio asks them their opinion about the Royal family having anything to do with the death of Princess Diana. Paulie responds as though they hired him for the job and that it was the last trip he ever took to Paris. While everyone else understands that he’s joking, Christopher doesn’t seem to get it and attempts to call Paulie out, which immediately backfires.

Paulie’s quote in Season 1, episode 2, “46 Long,” is one of the character’s most infamous jokes and one of many that puts Christopher in his place. For whatever reason, Chrissy always tries to bust Paulie’s balls, but he usually fails miserably going up against someone like Paulie who has a skilled knack for punching back with a witty quip that typically hits below the belt. Some might take offense to Paulie’s quote, but in all honesty, he means no harm and all the guys take jabs at each other as a twisted way of showing that they care about each other.

6 “I don’t write nothin’ down, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. You’re weak. You’re outta control. And you’ve become an embarrassment to yourself and everyone else.”

“The Strong, Silent Type” – Season 4, Episode 10

When Christopher’s drug usage gets out of hand, his girlfriend and one of The Sopranos‘ best female characters, Adriana (Drea de Matto), organizes an intervention with all the guys to speak to Chrissy about his problem and try to convince him to seek help. As everyone goes around and shares their feelings about Christopher’s situation, Paulie makes it obvious that not only does he not believe in this whole intervention thing, but he has little to no sympathy for Chrissy.

In Season 4, episode 10, “The Strong, Silent Type,” Paulie doesn’t waste time and gets right to the point with some harsh (and hilarious) words to Chrissy about his drug problem. Tony has coddled Christopher and allowed him to cut corners for the majority of his life and, while Paulie’s words may come across as hard and insensitive, he’s not entirely wrong and is actually showing Chrissy some much-needed tough love, which makes this one of the best Paulie quotes in the series.

5 “Ton, you give this guy a golf club, he’d probably try to f**k it.”

“Commendatori” – Season 2, Episode 4

When Tony, Christopher, and Paulie travel to Italy, Tony and Paulie have dinner with their friends from the other side to discuss their current car scheme and hopefully meet with the Don himself, Zi Vittorio (Vittorio Duse). Towards the end of the evening, Vittorio arrives with his daughter, Annalisa (Sofia Milos), and shortly after Tony introduces himself, he’s caught off guard when he realizes that Don Vittorio isn’t all there.

Throughout “Commendatori,” Paulie is his usual obnoxious self, but thankfully, he only shares his thoughts about Don Vittorio with Tony, which also paints a rather interesting image in viewers’ minds. It’s definitely one of Paulie’s more distasteful jokes, but considering how some of the Italians had been treating him and Tony that night, it’s still a humorous quote and essentially one of Paulie’s all-time best.

4 “Word to the wise: remember Pearl Harbor.”

“Sentimental Education” – Season 5, Episode 6

As Tony’s cousin, Steve Buscemi‘s Tony B. tries to adjust to life as a straight-laced civilian, his employer, Sungyon Kim (Henry Yuk), notices how hard of a worker he is and his determination to pass the state massage board exams. He propositions that they go into business together and open a massage place in one of his storefronts, which Tony B. gratefully accepts. Later, while studying for his upcoming exam, Tony B. tells the guys about Kim’s generous offer, which invokes Paulie to reveal his own ignorance.

In this episode, Paulie tries to give Tony B. some words of wisdom with a rather offensive and inaccurate comment about going into business with Kim. Not only is Paulie’s comment on the overly dramatic side, but it makes no sense, as the Japanese are the ones who attacked Pearl Harbor and Kim is from South Korea. Whether it’s meant to show Paulie’s discontent with anyone from Asia or just his plain stupidity, either way, how he leaves the guys completely dumbfounded with his off-colored remark is simply priceless.

3 “I was born, grew up, spent a few years in the army, a few years in the can, and here I am, half a wise guy. So what?”

“The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti” – Season 1, Episode 8

When Christopher realizes he’s not some big-shot mobster, he becomes depressed that he’s not on the authorities’ radar and feels as though his life will never amount to anything. While Chrissy is moping at home, Paulie visits him to go out for a night on the town, but as soon as he sees Chrissy’s glum face and the state of his apartment, he becomes concerned and asks him what’s going on. As Chrissy confides in him, Paulie sheds some light on how he’s perfectly content with how his life has turned out.

Paulie’s quote in Season 1, episode 8, “The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti,” is one of the character’s best, mainly because it actually sums up Tony Sirico in a nutshell. Like his character, Sirico served during World War II and spent some time behind bars, and minus becoming an actor, he is still half a wise guy who, in the end, made out pretty well for himself. This is also one of the few moments where Paulie shares some valid insight into life. Most people may have grand plans in mind, but sometimes, the universe has a different idea in mind and there’s nothing no one can do except be grateful for what they do have in their life.

2 “Whattaya hear, whattaya say?!”

“Watching Too Much Television” – Season 4, Episode 7

After doing a minor stint in county jail for a trumped-up gun charge, Paulie is finally released and arrives back home at the Bada Bing, where the guys have put together a little welcome home party in his honor. When he walks in, he cheerfully announces himself with a cheeky one-liner that emphasizes Paulie’s signature style as a humorous, one-of-a-kind mafioso.

In Season 4, episode 7, “Watching Too Much Television,” Paulie’s quote is a reference to James Cagney‘s character in the classic gangster film, Angels With Dirty Faces. Sirico was a big Cagney fan, stating that he was one of his childhood heroes. Considering Sirico’s personal admiration for Cagney, who is a pivotal figure in the gangster genre, this line is an epic homage to the Hollywood icon, solidifying this as one of Paulie’s absolute best quotes in the show.

1 “You’re not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. The guy was an interior decorator.”

“Pine Barrens” – Season 3, Episode 11

When Paulie and Christopher go to collect from Slava Malensky’s (name) friend, Valery (name), Paulie gets into a physical altercation with Valery and believes he killed him by accident. As he and Christopher drive out to the Pine Barrens to dispose of the body, they discover that Valery is still alive and manages to escape, leaving Chrissy and Paulie deserted in the frozen wilderness. Paulie manages to get a hold of Tony, who later informs Paulie that Valery is an ex-special ops agent, but with the weak cell signal, Paulie completely misunderstands what Tony says.

Many fans consider Season 3, episode 11, “Pine Barrens” to be the greatest episode in The Sopranos, mainly because of the comedic banter and shenanigans between Paulie and Christopher. Paulie misinforming Christopher about Valery is not only one of the funniest moments in the episode, but also the character’s all-time best quotes. While Paulie is known to have many communication mix-ups, this is hands down one quality about the character that makes him one of the most beloved.

NEXT: The Best Silvio Dante Quotes in ‘The Sopranos,’ Ranked